General Order No. 11

You probably know who’s buried in Grant’s tomb, but quick-- who’s the guy on the horse in Grant Park, Chicago? (It’s a trick question and the answer’s not Grant). General John A. Logan is the all-purpose answer to a variety of trivia questions, including:

• Who saved Raleigh, N.C. when angry Union soldiers wanted to destroy the city after hearing that President Lincoln had been assassinated?
• Who ran with James Blaine as the Republican Party’s nominee for Vice President in 1884?
• Who deserves partial credit for the creation of the holiday we now know as Memorial Day?

By 1868 many Americans had already taken up the custom of decorating the graves of those who’d lost their lives fighting in the Civil War. These “Decoration Day” remembrances were often spontaneous, sometimes loosely organized, and many times just private moments spent by grieving widows at the graves of their husbands.

Consequently, the official birthplace of Decoration Day was contested through the years. In 1966, Congress and President Lyndon Johnson declared Waterloo, N.Y. to be the officially recognized site-- but don’t tell that to Carbondale, IL. or Columbus, Miss.

The problem with Decoration Day was that nobody put anything down in writing until General Order No. 11 came along.

By 1866 General Logan had returned to his pre-war job as an Illinois congressman. Like many surviving members of the Union’s forces, Logan also joined the Grand Army of the Republic, an association dedicated to the care of widows and orphans, the establishment of soldiers’ homes, the procurement of pensions and the exercise of its growing political clout. Five of its members were elected President of the United States, and for many years endorsement by the G.A.R. was a prerequisite for any Republican running for President.

When the Commander-in Chief of the G.A.R. issued a General Order to the organization’s membership, people sat up and took notice. On May 5, 1868 then Commander-in-Chief John A. Logan of the Grand Army of the Republic performed an unexpected act of thoughtful bureaucracy when he issued the the following:

General Order No. 11
The 30th day of May, 1868, is designated for the purpose of strewing with flowers or otherwise decorating the graves of comrades who died in defense of their country during the late rebellion, and whose bodies now lie in almost every city, village, and hamlet church-yard in the land. In this observance no form of ceremony is prescribed, but posts and comrades will in their own way arrange such fitting services and testimonials of respect as circumstances may permit.

Had Logan left out the swipe about “rebellion” in the opening paragraph and restricted his order to the first few lines he might have gone down in history as a great reconciler-- but instead he takes another victorious whack:

We are organized, comrades, as our regulations tell us, for the purpose among other things, "of preserving and strengthening those kind and fraternal feelings which have bound together the soldiers, sailors, and marines who united to suppress the late rebellion."

Well, in the eyes of Logan, the Rebels had it coming, I guess. (The G.A.R. was an organization of Yankee veterans, after all). Of course, any order issued by a retired General of the Union Army to his fellow veterans didn’t hold with the folks south of the Mason-Dixon Line, regardless of the lofty concepts that followed:

We should guard their graves with sacred vigilance. All that the consecrated wealth and taste of the nation can add to their adornment and security is but a fitting tribute to the memory of her slain defenders. Let no wanton foot tread rudely on such hallowed grounds. Let pleasant paths invite the coming and going of reverent visitors and fond mourners. Let no vandalism of avarice or neglect, no ravages of time testify to the present or to the coming generations that we have forgotten as a people the cost of a free and undivided republic.

Two years before Logan’s famous order, a group of women had gathered at a cemetery in Columbus, Miss. to decorate the graves of Confederate soldiers. They were disturbed to see the unadorned graves of Union soldiers nearby, and placed flowers on the graves of the Yankees as well. (If Logan had witnessed this touching scene he might have been inclined to back off a bit on the rebellion hyperbole). Still, the man had some measure of foresight and sensitivity:

If other eyes grow dull, other hands slack, and other hearts cold in the solemn trust, ours shall keep it well as long as the light and warmth of life remain to us. Let us, then, at the time appointed gather around their sacred remains and garland the passionless mounds above them with the choicest flowers of spring-time; let us raise above them the dear old flag they saved from dishonor; let us in this solemn presence renew our pledges to aid and assist those whom they have left among us a sacred charge upon a nation's gratitude, the soldier's and sailor's widow and orphan.

Somehow, Logan knew that a reminder to honor “the solemn trust” was called for. His prescience was reinforced in December 2000, when Congress passed “The National Moment of Remembrance Act,” which encourages us to keep our hands strong and our hearts warm as we remember all Americans who’ve lost their lives in the defense of liberty. Congress even set aside a convenient time for us to pause in silent reflection: Today at 3:00 p.m.

I recently learned that the dapper gentleman who serves as an usher at our church survived the sinking of his destroyer at Iwo Jima. Bob was just a young Ensign when his ship took three kamikaze hits. That’s the thing about veterans-- they live quietly among us with dreadful memories locked inside which we can't imagine and Hollywood can’t begin to capture-- although the opening scene of “Saving Private Ryan” always moves me to tears when Ryan drops to his knees and sobs at the grave of Captain Miller.

At 3:00 p.m. today I’ll be thinking of Bob’s shipmates, 34 souls among the many who've given their lives so we all can enjoy the blessings of liberty. As General Orders go, it’s a duty I’m honored to fulfill.

Happy Memorial Day!

Hail to the Chief

For Immediate Release
Contact:
Public Relations Department
Seattle Grace Hospital
1-800-223-3627
www.seattlegracehosp.com

Seattle, Washington 5/18/07

Dr. Richard Webber, current Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital today reversed his earlier decision to appoint Dr. Calliope Torres as his replacement, announcing that a previously unknown candidate had been appointed instead. Dr. Gregory House, the current head of the department of diagnostic medicine at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital in New Jersey was introduced as the new Chief of Surgery to the staff of Seattle Grace Hospital in a hastily called conference later the same day.

Dr. House immediately moved to allay concerns about a diagnostician filling a role normally reserved for a surgeon: “What Seattle Grace needs right now is a serious “cutter”- someone who can cut thru the crap that goes on in this hospital. There’s a new sheriff in town, and I’m going to be kicking some Seattle ass,” said Dr. House.

House then abruptly broke his cane over the head of attending surgeon Derek Shepherd. “How did that feel, doctor?” House asked ominously.

Doctor Shepherd, head of neurosurgery at SGH, replied that it hurt like hell, and that he might just have received a concussion. Dr. House congratulated Shepherd on a successful diagnosis, adding that Shepherd might be able to keep his job if he could manage to quit boinking interns. “Just do your job McYahtzee, or I’ll rattle your dice again,” growled Dr. House.

Visibly alarmed, the rest of the staff squirmed in their chairs as Dr. House erased the scheduled operations from the surgical white board. “This is how we fill out the big board at Princeton-Plainsboro, kiddies. First we list the symptoms, and then we cure the disease.”

Rapidly writing down the names of doctors on one side and interns on the other, the new chief turned to his staff and leeringly suggested that they all play a little game called “Who’s Examining Who?”

“Okay, Dr. Torres. You’re our orthopedic surgeon and you’re married to George O’Malley, who’s currently giving private bone consults to Intern Stevens, right?” Three quick slashes of House’s magic marker laid bare the Torres/O’Malley/Stevens connection.

“O’Malley, wipe that grin off your face and explain yourself!”

George giggled helplessly, leering at both Stevens and Torres. Intern Alex Karev muttered “I didn’t think the little twerp had it in him.”

“I heard that, Karev. We need a separate board just for you, don’t we? Nurses, amnesic patients, doctors, interns-- no one is safe from your affections, are they? And stay out of the morgue, you oversexed pervert.”

“Dr. Torres, they were going to make you Chief of Surgery here even though you recently lived in the basement of this hospital, AND despite the fact that you married that giggling idiot O’Malley? Good God, Calliope, what were they thinking? This hospital may be a circus, but you’re a doctor, not a steamy pipe organ-- despite what O’Malley thinks.

“McFeely, you’re next. You’re all squared away now, aren’t you, Dr. McYahtzee? No more candlelit gynecological exams for Meredith Grey in your love trailer? Good!”

“Dr. Burke, who've you been examining?”

The room was briefly silent.

“Dr. Burke’s gone, Chief.” He packed up his bags and left last night. He was ‘examining’ Christina Yang, and they were going to get married, but our legal department’s currently discussing whether Dr. Burke’s homophobic slurs will merit his dismissal-- so he’s conveniently incommunicado while his fate’s being determined.”

“Who'd he insult?” demanded House.

“Intern O’Malley, sir.”

“You’ve got to be kidding! O’Malley should be head of orthopedics with that magic bone of his! Even though he failed his intern exam he must be doing something right-- Stevens and Torres are all over that little idiot.”

“Dr. Bailey, who are you currently ‘examining’?”

“Just my husband, you New Jersey Jerk.”

“I like you, Dr. Bailey,” said House.

“Dr. Sloan?”

“Here, sir.”

“You look kind of down, Sloan, what’s up?”

“Not much anymore, Chief. I was happily boffing Derek’s wife Addison, and even managed to slip a quick one to Dr. Torres while O’Malley was working his magic on Izzie Stevens-- but Addison moved to California, and now Callie and Izzie are obsessed with O’Malley.”

“Well, at least you can finally concentrate on your work now, Dr. Sloan. Go take a cold shower and 8 Vicodin.”

“Right, Chief.”

“Meredith Grey… Dr. Webber tells me that your self-centered attitude has caused more unhappiness here at Seattle Grace in just a few short years than any other intern previously employed at this hospital. He’s amazed that a scrawny, empty headed little moron like yourself could transfix a prominent neurosurgeon like Dr. McYahtzee. But I'm going to give you one more chance, Grey. I'm putting you in charge of the pharmacy, and as long as you keep it stocked with Vicodin everything will be just fine."

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

On this Mother’s Day instead of a card I thought I’d apologize for some of the stupid things we did as kids. I’m so sorry Steve and I strapped our youngest brother John into a “space capsule” made from two laundry baskets roped together and sent him rocketing down the stairs after convincing him that astronaut re-entry training would be a fun game to play.

I deeply regret dabbing mayonnaise from the sandwich you made me for the cub scouts’ annual harbor cruise onto my shoulder, and waiting for you to tell me a seagull had crapped on me. Wiping the mayonnaise off with my finger and then tasting it was a rotten trick but the look on your face was truly priceless.

And that time when Steve got sick after we had a contest to see who could keep a beef bullion cube in our mouths the longest- I’m sorry about that one, too.

I know we should have promptly told you that John needed stitches instead of tying strands of his hair together to close the cut on his scalp after his collision with the coffee table, but you and dad were out shopping and John was bleeding and screaming “There’s a hole in my head.” Well, we got the bleeding stopped and even though you didn’t find out until later when you thought that the clotted blood was dirt we really should have confessed sooner.

Remember when Rob got mad because the front end of his train set’s locomotive was dented? Steve and I used to sneak into Rob’s room when he wasn’t there and rearrange his train tracks to launch his locomotive off the end of the table to see how far it would fly. Sorry, mom, and sorry Rob.

Mom, when you and dad put in a pool for us we should have shown our gratitude by swimming responsibly instead of diving in from the patio roof and putting rocks in our pockets while we used dad’s air compressor to breathe underwater-- but kids will be kids.

Nobody remembers paper drives anymore since we all have curbside recycling, but our boy scout troop would have made more money back then if Brett Olin and I hadn’t accidentally ignited the newspapers piled in his backyard while launching our home-made rockets into the tinder-dry canyon behind his house. Sorry about that one, too.

I now realize I shouldn't have suggested that we remove the center leaf from our dining room table and put a 30 gallon trash can under the gap and use paper plates which could easily be shoved directly into the can, saving time and effort previously expended on clearing the table and doing the dishes-- but it sure seemed like a good idea at the time.

Mom, through the years you’ve loved us and laughed with us and we all cherish your quirky way of looking at life. While most mothers gave their kids boring advice like “Always wear clean underwear,” you gave us cryptic proclamations like “We better bring quarters since we might need our jackets.”

Life is not just about clean underwear, mom. It’s about having as much fun as you can without breaking your limbs, getting too sick, bleeding too much, or lighting yourself on fire while shooting off rockets.

Happy Mother’s Day,

Love, Gary

Tonight's The Night!

Seven years after moving from San Diego I’ve acclimated myself to nearly all things Chicago, from City Hall “patronage” to loveable losers like our Cubs. I’ve learned that we drag our hot dogs “through the garden” and we detest the Packers with the same intensity we reserve for people who move here from La-La Land. (I quickly learned it was best to claim I was born in Wisconsin, not California).

I’ve braved icy winters and sweated through blast-furnace summers. I now understand the Aldermanic form of government, which is loosely based on medieval fiefdoms-- except that serfs here are called constituents, not peasants. I’ve learned that the concept of freeways is for socialistic states, since any serf who can afford a car should also be expected to pay a toll.

I’ve learned to love Da Bears, bratwurst and Da Blues Brothers. In short, I’ve rejected my California birthright to study the ways of the Midwesterner. But like Harry Potter, I’ve yet to pass a final test: Magicicada Septendecim.

“You’ve never seen or heard anything like them,” my wife promises. Even now, they’re rising up from their subterranean lairs in a Hemipteran frenzy, their little red eyes mad with lust. They are the Seventeen Year Cicada, one of Earth’s longest living insects, and most sexually deprived.

Let’s face it, if you’re a bug with only one chance to score after seventeen years of sucking on tree roots, you’d make some noise too. Once the three magic temperatures coincide (soil: 63 degrees, air: 68 degrees, Cicada temperature: burning with desire) they will burst from the ground in a strategy known as “predator satiation” to maximize their chance of reproducing successfully without being eaten or stomped on.

Periodical cicadas are a testament to either evolution or creation depending on your personal beliefs. 17 year cicadas and their cousins the 13 year cicadas are geographically distributed in broods which emerge in a mathematically choreographed pattern to avoid interaction between the two species. Since 13 and 17 are both prime numbers the two species surface concurrently just once every 221 years, minimizing the likelihood of bad blood and bar fights. These periodic cycles also help cicada broods survive temperature anomalies like the occasional cool summer. (I haven’t experienced a single cool summer in Chicago yet, but I haven’t lived here for seventeen years, either).

Sometime in the next few weeks we’ll struggle to sleep through a cacophony of cicadan revelry-- but I won’t begrudge them their fun. Instead, I’ll remember the guy at the sex study who leapt to his feet and frantically waved his hand when the researcher asked if anyone there had sex less frequently than twice a year. When asked why he was so excited the poor guy shouted, “Because tonight’s THE NIGHT!”

The Final Frontier

Since the days of the Wright brothers we’ve built increasingly complex machines to carry ourselves into the sky. The Marine Corps recently announced the deployment of the MV-22 Osprey, a cross between a helicopter and a fixed wing plane. The Osprey is difficult to fly and dangerous to land, having claimed several lives during its test program. Aircraft and even starships are complicated devices worthy of our respect, and no one knew this better than Montgomery Scott of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

Scotty’s expertise in aeronautical engineering is widely acknowledged, but many don't know that James Doohan served as a pilot during World War II. Originally a captain in the Royal Canadian Artillery, Jimmy was machine-gunned at Normandy on D-Day. Following his convalescence he was assigned to 43 Operational Training Unit, Andover, England, where he earned Air Observation Post Pilot’s wings. Doohan’s intended assignment was to direct artillery fire from the air, but his unit was posted to Holland, where he flew non-combat missions for the 666 AOP squadron of the Royal Canadian Air Force. Jimmy had already been shot six times, so nobody complained, least of all Doohan.

Five years earlier, hundreds of Americans knowingly broke the law with the tacit approval of the U.S. government when they crossed into Canada to join the Royal Canadian Air Force. America was officially neutral at the time, but many Americans, including a young man named John Gillespie Magee, Jr. heard about the Battle of Britain and decided to forego a formal invitation to fight the Nazis.

Magee was only 18 years old when he entered flight training, and in less than a year was assigned to 412 Fighter Squadron at Digby England, where he flew the Supermarine Spitfire. He quickly rose to the rank of Pilot Officer while flying missions over France and England. Shortly before Magee was killed in a mid-air collision at the age of 19, he composed this famous poem which came to mind Saturday as I watched a rocket carry the remains of Captain James Doohan into space:

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth

and danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;

sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth

of sun-split clouds - and done a hundred things

you have not dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung

high in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there

I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung

my eager craft through footless halls of air.

Up, up the long delirious, burning blue,

I've topped the windswept heights with easy grace

where never lark, or even eagle flew -

And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod

the high untresspassed sanctity of space,

put out my hand and touched the face of God.

James and John both risked their lives fighting tyranny, and young men and women still climb into dangerous machines today, slipping the surly bonds of earth to defend liberty. Like Magee, some will not come home alive. I like to think though that for one glorious moment Saturday, John’s soul and the souls of all pilots who’ve given their lives for just causes met their brother James when he soared into the sanctity of space, and that together they all joined hands, and touched the face of God.

American Idol '08

A debate, according to the Miriam Webster dictionary, is a contention by words or arguments, either the formal discussion of a motion before a deliberative body according to the rules of parliamentary procedure, or a regulated discussion of a proposition between two matched sides.

Presidential candidates never really debate anything. Instead, they provide canned answers as they attempt to avoid gaffes while watching for a “Bentsen Moment,” when they can slip their opponent a fatal zinger like “You’re no Jack Kennedy.” (News Flash: neither were you, Lloyd).

There were no profiles in courage Thursday night, since everyone played it safe-- everyone except for Senator Gravel, whose idea of fun must be tap-dancing in minefields.

When Joe Biden said “Look Brian, this is no game show,” (referring to the congressional discourse about Iraq) he inadvertently described exactly what we saw Thursday: an elaborate production consisting of eight contestants and a host. The only thing missing was a new car for the winner and parting gifts for the losers.

More use of the “show of hands” feature could have easily trimmed 30 minutes from the show. For instance: “How many of you think President Bush is a colossal boob, and that we should get out of Iraq by this time next week?” “That’s eight correct answers for 100 points apiece, next question…”

Fair or not, when I see a southerner like Edwards running for president, I immediately compare him to Jimmy Carter. Personally, I think electing Carter president was a big mistake, but no one can deny that Jimmy is a decent man, and a man of means who can easily afford $400 haircuts if he didn’t find the idea morally reprehensible. So you’re running for president and get called out on national TV for fiscally irresponsible haircuts-your response is to reminisce about your father’s shame at not being able to afford a meal for his family in a restaurant? Here is my interpretation of Edwards’ weirdly triumphant conclusion: “I want every American to have the same chance as me-- to make so much money that they too can afford to squander it on vanity.”

Barack Obama gave us the answer to the question “How many presidential candidates does it take to screw in an energy-saving light bulb?” “Just one, as long as it doesn’t throw too much light on my dealings with slimy real estate developers.”

Bill Richardson admitted that he declined to call for the immediate resignation of Alberto Gonzales because, like Richardson, Alberto is Hispanic. Bill earnestly added “At least I’m honest.” Well, honest racism is better than dishonest racism, I suppose.

Chris Dodd exemplified what is wrong with our electoral process. I told my wife that I found Dodd unexpectedly articulate. We have reached a sorry state indeed when we’re pleasantly surprised to find that our elected officials can walk and chew gum at the same time.

Dennis Kucinich once again showed America that he has the persistence of a fly buzzing around your head while you mow the lawn in the blistering heat of summer. Much like yard work, picking a president is hot sweaty business-- the fewer flies, the better.

That pretty much covers the seven dwarfs, which leads us to Snow Whitehouse. Hillary was asked to respond to polls which currently indicate the majority of the public has an unfavorable view of her, and her response was that she considers this to be a perverse form of flattery. The public detests me? Elect me! $400 haircuts? Money well spent!

Join us next time, when the Republican candidates appear on American Idol ’08.

God help us all.

Our Hearts Are With You

Today our nation is forced to face the carnage at Virginia Tech without our Poet Laureate of Melancholy, Kurt Vonnegut.

In Vonnegut’s novel Slaughterhouse 5, Billy Pilgrim watches a World War II bombing attack in reverse, as planes fly over Germany, sucking the bombs out of the ground and then returning to their bases in England, where the bombs are unloaded and disassembled, their explosive contents separated into harmless minerals which are then carefully hidden in the ground so that no one will be harmed.

Reality of course only runs forward, or fast forward. There is no reverse or pause on the VCR of life, and done bun can’t be undone. Vonnegut was an anachronism, a gentle soul who tilted against the windmills of mayhem down here on Asylum Earth-- but even Kurt knew that once the bombs are truly dropped and the bullets are really fired they can never be taken back.

South Korea’s Foreign Ministry today reports their country “in shock beyond description” after learning that the suspect in the Virginia Tech shootings was a South Korean native. Their ministry official for North American affairs conveyed his condolences on behalf of the South Korean people, expressing hope “that the tragedy would not stir up racial prejudice or confrontation.”

Here is what Vonnegut would have said to that: “What, are you nuts too?”

What happened yesterday had nothing to do with South Koreans. It was simply the act of a mentally unbalanced individual with amazingly unfettered access to guns and ammunition-- an angry young man whose name just happened to be Cho, but could have just as easily been Joe, Bo, or Moe.

So it goes.

This is the world we have made for ourselves. We leave loners alone instead of drawing them close. We consider violence as both a means of entertainment and a reasonable solution to our frustrations. Many of us foolishly assume that the racial or religious identity of a madman defines and condemns their race or their religion.

The Hokies of Virginia Tech know better though:

Techmen, we're Techmen, with spirit true and faithful,
Backing up our teams with hopes undying;
Techmen, Oh, Techmen, we're out to win today,
Showing pep and life with which we're trying;
V.P., old V.P., you know our hearts are with you
In our luck which never seems to die;
Win or lose, we'll greet you with a glad returning,
You're the pride of V.P.I.

Hope endures, and life endures-- even when luck turns bad and tragedy rolls up onto our doorstep. V.P.I. lost something immeasurable yesterday, but today they have reminded us of their faithful spirit and their undying hope for the future. So here’s to glad returning, and the pride of V.P.I.