Hail to the Chief

For Immediate Release
Contact:
Public Relations Department
Seattle Grace Hospital
1-800-223-3627
www.seattlegracehosp.com

Seattle, Washington 5/18/07

Dr. Richard Webber, current Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital today reversed his earlier decision to appoint Dr. Calliope Torres as his replacement, announcing that a previously unknown candidate had been appointed instead. Dr. Gregory House, the current head of the department of diagnostic medicine at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital in New Jersey was introduced as the new Chief of Surgery to the staff of Seattle Grace Hospital in a hastily called conference later the same day.

Dr. House immediately moved to allay concerns about a diagnostician filling a role normally reserved for a surgeon: “What Seattle Grace needs right now is a serious “cutter”- someone who can cut thru the crap that goes on in this hospital. There’s a new sheriff in town, and I’m going to be kicking some Seattle ass,” said Dr. House.

House then abruptly broke his cane over the head of attending surgeon Derek Shepherd. “How did that feel, doctor?” House asked ominously.

Doctor Shepherd, head of neurosurgery at SGH, replied that it hurt like hell, and that he might just have received a concussion. Dr. House congratulated Shepherd on a successful diagnosis, adding that Shepherd might be able to keep his job if he could manage to quit boinking interns. “Just do your job McYahtzee, or I’ll rattle your dice again,” growled Dr. House.

Visibly alarmed, the rest of the staff squirmed in their chairs as Dr. House erased the scheduled operations from the surgical white board. “This is how we fill out the big board at Princeton-Plainsboro, kiddies. First we list the symptoms, and then we cure the disease.”

Rapidly writing down the names of doctors on one side and interns on the other, the new chief turned to his staff and leeringly suggested that they all play a little game called “Who’s Examining Who?”

“Okay, Dr. Torres. You’re our orthopedic surgeon and you’re married to George O’Malley, who’s currently giving private bone consults to Intern Stevens, right?” Three quick slashes of House’s magic marker laid bare the Torres/O’Malley/Stevens connection.

“O’Malley, wipe that grin off your face and explain yourself!”

George giggled helplessly, leering at both Stevens and Torres. Intern Alex Karev muttered “I didn’t think the little twerp had it in him.”

“I heard that, Karev. We need a separate board just for you, don’t we? Nurses, amnesic patients, doctors, interns-- no one is safe from your affections, are they? And stay out of the morgue, you oversexed pervert.”

“Dr. Torres, they were going to make you Chief of Surgery here even though you recently lived in the basement of this hospital, AND despite the fact that you married that giggling idiot O’Malley? Good God, Calliope, what were they thinking? This hospital may be a circus, but you’re a doctor, not a steamy pipe organ-- despite what O’Malley thinks.

“McFeely, you’re next. You’re all squared away now, aren’t you, Dr. McYahtzee? No more candlelit gynecological exams for Meredith Grey in your love trailer? Good!”

“Dr. Burke, who've you been examining?”

The room was briefly silent.

“Dr. Burke’s gone, Chief.” He packed up his bags and left last night. He was ‘examining’ Christina Yang, and they were going to get married, but our legal department’s currently discussing whether Dr. Burke’s homophobic slurs will merit his dismissal-- so he’s conveniently incommunicado while his fate’s being determined.”

“Who'd he insult?” demanded House.

“Intern O’Malley, sir.”

“You’ve got to be kidding! O’Malley should be head of orthopedics with that magic bone of his! Even though he failed his intern exam he must be doing something right-- Stevens and Torres are all over that little idiot.”

“Dr. Bailey, who are you currently ‘examining’?”

“Just my husband, you New Jersey Jerk.”

“I like you, Dr. Bailey,” said House.

“Dr. Sloan?”

“Here, sir.”

“You look kind of down, Sloan, what’s up?”

“Not much anymore, Chief. I was happily boffing Derek’s wife Addison, and even managed to slip a quick one to Dr. Torres while O’Malley was working his magic on Izzie Stevens-- but Addison moved to California, and now Callie and Izzie are obsessed with O’Malley.”

“Well, at least you can finally concentrate on your work now, Dr. Sloan. Go take a cold shower and 8 Vicodin.”

“Right, Chief.”

“Meredith Grey… Dr. Webber tells me that your self-centered attitude has caused more unhappiness here at Seattle Grace in just a few short years than any other intern previously employed at this hospital. He’s amazed that a scrawny, empty headed little moron like yourself could transfix a prominent neurosurgeon like Dr. McYahtzee. But I'm going to give you one more chance, Grey. I'm putting you in charge of the pharmacy, and as long as you keep it stocked with Vicodin everything will be just fine."