Prepare To Explode

From: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President
Islamic Republic of Iran

To: Admiral Ali Sahuni
Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps

Re: Operation "Persian Glory"
Strait of Hormuz

Admiral Sahuni,

Please present yourself in person at your earliest convenience to explain the shameful performance of your fleet against the United States in recent naval maneuvers. Although the crews of our mighty speedboat armada performed flawlessly, their commanding officer ruined a nearly perfect mission with his pathetic warning to the sailors of the great Satan:

“I am coming to you; you will explode after two minutes.”

I must remind you Ali that Persia is the land of the great poet Omar Khayam. Surely our armed forces can summon more chilling and poetic invective than “I am coming to you; you will explode after two minutes.” In fact, your captain’s “threat” was so embarrassing we had to declare the United States Navy’s video recording of the incident a complete and utter fabrication. One of our sailors has forwarded me his own video, which he took from our speedboat ISS Dreadnought. It shows the crew of the great Satan’s ship Port Royal laughing at your captain’s feeble battle cry, looking at their watches, and mouthing the words “In two minutes? You’ve got to be kidding us.”

In the future, all attack invective of the Islamic Republic of Iran will be generated by a committee which has been formed to avoid such humiliations. The “Council of Menace” has already provided these belligerent messages, which our glorious fleet will transmit during future maneuvers:

“Prepare to sink and die without enjoying 40 virgins in paradise.”

“We are coming at you, and we really mean it this time.”

“Damn the tornados! Full speed ahead!”

The eyes of the world are on our great republic Ali. I’m sure you’ll agree that we must not look foolish.

Mahmoud