Friday, January 18, 2008

Spidervorce!

(Note: The Latest Marvel comic edition of Spiderman brings the shocking news that Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson are splitting up after twenty-one years of marriage. Supposedly their break-up is part of a deal with the Faustian villain Mephisto to save the life of Peter’s Aunt May-- but the real story behind the break-up of their marriage can only be found here).

Everyone’s shocked that Spiderman’s getting a divorce from MJ. Everyone except of course for your friendly neighborhood Unwrapped Fish. Just study Spidey’s famous theme song and you too will be amazed that MJ put up with Peter Parker for as long as she did.

Spiderman, Spiderman
Does whatever a spider can

This is a blatant declaration of intended arachnid-infidelity: If he can get away with it, he will do it. MJ was left home alone every night, knitting Spiderbaby booties while Peter Parker was ostensibly out pounding the Sandman. But who was he really out pounding? Gwen Stacy, Felicia Hardy and Betty Brant, most likely.

Spins a web, any size
Catches thieves, just like flies

Oh what a web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. No web of lies was too large for Peter Parker if it allowed him to do whatever he could. Let us all hope for MJ’s sake that he was practicing safe spider-sex to avoid catching STDs, since he sure wasn’t out catching thieves every night.

Is he strong? Listen, Bud!
He’s got radioactive blood.

All of us are well acquainted with the legendary relationship between Latino blood and machismo, so imagine the insatiable sexual urges of a typical teenage boy whose hormonally infused blood has been infected by the bite of a radioactive spider. The atomic half life of radioactive blood is similar to Plutonium. Spiderman won’t be needing Viagra until roughly the year 3069.

Can he swing from a thread?
Take a look overhead.

Hey there, there goes the Spiderman.
How many residents of New York have turned a blind eye to Spiderman’s nocturnal ramblings over the years? Obviously it’s been common knowledge in the Big Apple that Spidey’s a swinger; but some kind soul should have sent MJ a discreet note, letting her know exactly what her husband was up to overhead.

In the chill of night,
At the scene of a crime
Like a streak of light
He arrives just in time.

Just in time have his picture taken by a conveniently placed camera to provide an alibi for being out in the “chill of night” while his wife was left home alone knitting spider-booties eight at a time.

Spiderman, Spiderman
Friendly neighborhood Spiderman
Wealth and fame, he’s ignored
Action is his reward

Altruism is such a noble thing, but there’s nothing like getting’ a little action on the side to keep that radioactive blood a pumpin, right Spidey?

To him, life is a great big bang-up
Wherever there’s a hang-up
You’ll find a Spiderman!


Summons to Appear
In the State of New York
Mary Jane Parker nee Watson vs. Peter Parker, aka Spiderman


You’ve been found and you’ve been served, Spidey.

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