The Zodiac Gorn

The release of the Zodiac movie brings back childhood memories. San Franciscans were petrified during The Zodiac Killer’s reign of terror, and even though we were never in any real danger down in San Diego, my mother kept us in a state of hysteria which usually reached its zenith once a week when my dad taught his night school class in telescope construction to budding astronomers and voyeurs who wished to enhance their knowledge of optics so they could watch their neighbors doing the Andromeda strain.

After dad left for his class, mom immediately locked all the doors, including our front door which was solid wood, except for the upper portion. Although almost half of the door was glass, it did have a sturdy red velvet curtain with little black tassels which, while deterring serial killers, was also like a red flag to a bull for interior designers.

Upon securing the perimeter, mom nervously read the lurid headlines regarding the Zodiac Killer’s latest victims, and made small whimpering noises which suggested that, as the alpha kid, I should do something to make her feel more secure while dad was busy showing perverts how to grind their lenses.

The most dangerous thing in our house I was allowed to touch back then was a bright red SwingLine power stapler, which could fire a 9/16” chisel-legged staple into the head of any serial killer who would hold still long enough for me to squeeze off a round or two using both of my trembling hands. Looking back now, I’m sure I could have taken out the interior designers, but probably not a murderous madman.

Back in those days my bedtime was 9:00pm, and after I passed the SwingLine to mom she was pretty much on her own for another 90 minutes or so until dad got back home, nervously putting his key in the door knowing that a trigger-happy woman was inside armed with a stapler.

At some point after the Zodiac affair subsided, mom felt comfortable enough to let me accompany dad to his telescope making class. I’ll never forget that night because when we both got home around 10:30 some show called Star Trek was on TV with someone named Captain Kirk trying to kill a giant green lizard using some stuff he had scrounged up on a barren planet. I was totally hooked.

In this world of computer generated graphics it’s hard to explain to present-day kids that a guy wearing a lizard head rasping interplanetary death-threats was pretty scary back in the sixties, but the funny thing is that while Captain Kirk was able to craft a weapon deadlier than a stapler, I had no idea back then that our garage held more lethal ingredients such as sulfuric acid and acetylene gas. Had I known that, I would have abandoned the stapler, armed myself with some gas bombs, and immediately would have demanded a raise in my allowance.