American Idol '08

A debate, according to the Miriam Webster dictionary, is a contention by words or arguments, either the formal discussion of a motion before a deliberative body according to the rules of parliamentary procedure, or a regulated discussion of a proposition between two matched sides.

Presidential candidates never really debate anything. Instead, they provide canned answers as they attempt to avoid gaffes while watching for a “Bentsen Moment,” when they can slip their opponent a fatal zinger like “You’re no Jack Kennedy.” (News Flash: neither were you, Lloyd).

There were no profiles in courage Thursday night, since everyone played it safe-- everyone except for Senator Gravel, whose idea of fun must be tap-dancing in minefields.

When Joe Biden said “Look Brian, this is no game show,” (referring to the congressional discourse about Iraq) he inadvertently described exactly what we saw Thursday: an elaborate production consisting of eight contestants and a host. The only thing missing was a new car for the winner and parting gifts for the losers.

More use of the “show of hands” feature could have easily trimmed 30 minutes from the show. For instance: “How many of you think President Bush is a colossal boob, and that we should get out of Iraq by this time next week?” “That’s eight correct answers for 100 points apiece, next question…”

Fair or not, when I see a southerner like Edwards running for president, I immediately compare him to Jimmy Carter. Personally, I think electing Carter president was a big mistake, but no one can deny that Jimmy is a decent man, and a man of means who can easily afford $400 haircuts if he didn’t find the idea morally reprehensible. So you’re running for president and get called out on national TV for fiscally irresponsible haircuts-your response is to reminisce about your father’s shame at not being able to afford a meal for his family in a restaurant? Here is my interpretation of Edwards’ weirdly triumphant conclusion: “I want every American to have the same chance as me-- to make so much money that they too can afford to squander it on vanity.”

Barack Obama gave us the answer to the question “How many presidential candidates does it take to screw in an energy-saving light bulb?” “Just one, as long as it doesn’t throw too much light on my dealings with slimy real estate developers.”

Bill Richardson admitted that he declined to call for the immediate resignation of Alberto Gonzales because, like Richardson, Alberto is Hispanic. Bill earnestly added “At least I’m honest.” Well, honest racism is better than dishonest racism, I suppose.

Chris Dodd exemplified what is wrong with our electoral process. I told my wife that I found Dodd unexpectedly articulate. We have reached a sorry state indeed when we’re pleasantly surprised to find that our elected officials can walk and chew gum at the same time.

Dennis Kucinich once again showed America that he has the persistence of a fly buzzing around your head while you mow the lawn in the blistering heat of summer. Much like yard work, picking a president is hot sweaty business-- the fewer flies, the better.

That pretty much covers the seven dwarfs, which leads us to Snow Whitehouse. Hillary was asked to respond to polls which currently indicate the majority of the public has an unfavorable view of her, and her response was that she considers this to be a perverse form of flattery. The public detests me? Elect me! $400 haircuts? Money well spent!

Join us next time, when the Republican candidates appear on American Idol ’08.

God help us all.