Hot Dog? No, Bratwurst!

Every dedicated dog owner is convinced they’ve been blessed (or cursed) with the world’s cutest or smartest or smelliest dog. There’s just something about pooches that invites canine enthusiasts to wax eloquent over their clever collies or their stinky spaniels, and since we have the world’s smartest dog I just can’t help but lord it over the rest of you.

Tailspin is our Border Collie Labrador mix. It’s also possible he’s got some Bernese Mountain Dog in him, but he’s not telling. (Frankly I’m scared to ask him; since he might answer). He may not be able to actually tell time but he understands there’s something about the clock on the mantle that determines when he’s to be let outside at night-- so it’s slightly unsettling when he sits downs and stares at the clock promptly at 10:00 p.m.

Unfortunately his cleverness coupled with his lab-fueled appetite has landed him in trouble more than a few times. Most recently, the case of the missing Italian beef was solved when the guilty party defecated on our neighbor’s lawn. (Hint: it wasn’t me). In years past, he has eaten; several sticks of butter, bratwurst stolen from the barbeque, and a torpid squirrel. I once called him “Zorba the Greek” for days after he ate an entire package of feta cheese. Usually his digestive system can handle even the toughest squirrel, but occasionally he gets an upset stomach. We know this because he paws the cabinet where we keep the antacid when he needs a Tums.

His eclectic eating habits eventually led to a case of gingivitis, ably treated by our vet. While sedating the dog, Doctor K. asked me what he’d been eating. “Oh, the usual,” I replied,” Buttered bratwursts and feta cheese.” After his treatment, Zorba tottered groggily to the jeep, where I juggled doggy toothpaste and cotton swabs with my car keys while opening the door. Throwing everything onto the back seat, I helped Tailspin in and closed the door-- right before he lay down on my car keys triggering the locks. Thank God he didn’t hit the alarm button too, since he immediately went to sleep and the horn would have disturbed him while I waited for the locksmith to arrive.

The thing about Border Collies is that they want to herd things-- like the people they live with. Tailspin is smart, but he doesn’t understand the concept of sleeping late on Saturday morning. If we’re not up early enough to suit him, he paces and whines until we relent and get out of bed. Well, last week I made the mistake of attempting to be funny and told him to leave us alone, go pour himself a bowl of cereal, and watch some cartoons. Later that morning, I walked back to my office which is directly behind the kitchen pantry. On the floor was a half-eaten box of Puffins cereal. Once the dog realizes that the remote control can be found under the couch cushions maybe we’ll finally be able to get some sleep. “Honey, I just had the strangest dream about Scooby-Doo…”